To My Child,
Matthew …Gone to Heaven
To my precious son, who has gone to heaven, too long I’ve been silent.
Too long I have grieved alone. You have
been in my thoughts each and every day since the time of your departure.
Almost 20 years have come and gone, and my life has
changed in so many ways; yet you are still with me. The memory of your loss is
still fresh. I have relived that day thousands of times. I can remember the
sights, sounds and events, as if it were yesterday.
Not a day has passed that I have not wished I could
hold you in my arms, kiss your forehead or touch your hand. I see you in every
child that passes; and I wonder how you
would look at that age, how tall you would be, what games you would like, and
what special connection would we share?
I
have tried many ways to heal the pain. Our family has taken in 17 foster
children; kids who needed a safe place
to stay, someone to love them and to show them they have value in this world.
The great sense of loss that I have felt for you, gave me the desire to help
these kids. My thoughts were, “If I cannot love my child because God has taken
him to heaven, then I’ll show love to these other children in his honor.”
God has blessed us with three other children of our
own, each is precious and irreplaceable. We have adopted a wonderful boy named
Allan. I love each of them a much as is humanly possible; but that does nothing
to fill the great void that I feel in my heart because you are not here. One
would think that after 20 years time and 20 children, that my healing would be
nearly complete. Still, everyday, there
is something to remind me of your loss. The pain I feel is just as strong.
One day as I was working at my hotel, a man and his
son (who looked to be about 16 years old) came in to register. While the man
filled out the registration card, the boy leaned his head over on the dad’s
shoulder and softly said “I love you dad!” I immediately began to cry! I felt
so foolish and was so surprised. I did not understand what was wrong with me.
Subconsciously,
I have kept track of you; how old you would be if you were still with
us. At that time you would have been about 16 years old! I have often had
dreams about you . Many have been
nightmares about losing you.
Another time I was watching a movie about the Vietnam war. There was a plane loaded with refugees trying to escape the
communists. The plane had about 30
babies on board. It was shot down and everyone was killed. I sat there and
cried for 20 minutes because I thought of you and how I miss you.
As I write now my eyes fill with tears, I almost cannot
see. I miss you! I cannot wait to get
to heaven so that I
can hold you, kiss you and see you.
I deeply regret that that I never got to hold you during
your brief time here. God alone knows how much I wish things had happened
differently!
When my grandmother passed away, I was asked to
speak at her funeral. Although I missed her presence, I realized she was
already in heaven with God and you. The reason I cried then
was because she would get to hold my precious boy. I never did. I was
so jealous. I almost wished it had been me who died.
Son, I love you! I am sorry for the way things
happen but, I must trust that God knows
what is best. (Although, I cannot
imagine how losing you could be for the best.)
Many people have tried to explain why children die –
why God takes them to heaven so early. The one that sticks in my mind the
most is the story of the Florist.
When a florist makes up a beautiful bouquet, they do
not just take flowers that are fully open, but also some that are just buds, so
that in time they can open to their full beauty.
Matthew, my precious child, you were the beautiful
rose bud that God chose to pick for His bouquet in Heaven!
I have no doubt that you are the most handsome rose
of all. I’ll see you when God allows, and I will hold you in Heaven ! Until
then, I’ve asked God to let you know how much we love you and miss you.
Love,
Daddy
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Matthew
Matthew , my son, my precious little
boy,
You left us here to soon, you never
had a never a chance
to be our pride and joy.
We had such hopes and dreams ,
many plans for years to come,
but that was not to be…
your time on earth was done.
For God in Heaven called you home,
He chose you for glory then
but, that left us to grieve and
earnestly wonder when?
When would we get to hold you
and love you as we yearned?
We felt so sad and lonely ,
We thought we had been spurned.
“Why dear God did you chose him,
When we had given You our own lives…
“We
had given everything to serve you at our best.
Was this tribulation, simply another
test?”
We never got an answer to our
questions then,
And now, son, 20 years later
I still wonder how you’ve been.
I miss you and love you as strong as ever,
No one could replace you, son ,
no not
ever!
Whenever I see a little child , my
mind begins to wander
Would Matthew look like that,
would he
be that tall?
Many questions I begin to ponder.
Many people seem to feel as though fathers do not grieve,
Perhaps they‘ve never had a beloved child leave.
Yes, my son, I do grieve each and every day,
My heart still feels the pain, more
than I can say!
For all these years we’ve loved you and
kept you in our heart,
We’ve helped others in your honor,
To keep your memory near us,
although we’ve been apart.
One day we’ll meet in heaven, how
happy I will be,
For then your precious face I will
finally see.
I never got to hold you when you
were here,
Over that I have shed many a tear.
But, I will hold you in
Heaven, kiss your handsome brow,
Then, and only then, will I be free
from the pain that I feel now.
Love,
Daddy
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